yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
