um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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