I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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