I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
