She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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