you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
