so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
