She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
