i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
