Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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