got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
