The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
