and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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