Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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