I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
