The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
