I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
