I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
