The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
