have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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