Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Never underestimate the power of titties
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
