the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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