I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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