Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
