I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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