Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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