I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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