ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize