WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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