Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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