Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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