just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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