Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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