It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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