make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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