Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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