If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
