Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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