Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
