Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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