Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
