9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize