just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Boobs are out for the taking
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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