soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
