Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
