Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
