Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
