His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
