The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
