How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
