I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
