Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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