sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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