I want to make a zoo with you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
