At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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