my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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