sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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