It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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