my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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