Don't make out with my wife yet
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
