Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
