my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Found the puke drawer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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