You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
