My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
