Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
