I will die if light touches me.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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